I've lived too long in a place where I can be reached" -Rumi
It's good to get to know yourself. I mean, we create relationships with others by getting to know them, talking to them, spending time learning about them. So who ever though that we would be good at relationships if we didn't know what we ourselves are like.
Be in your moment, your element. Get excited about you, not about being someone's someone. Travel alone, spend lots and lots of time alone to the point where you don't need to be with people to feel okay. Need yourself, and give to others. Don't need others and only give to yourself. Find what comforts you and keeps you away from the things that trigger your pain. Hibernate, if you must. Wrap yourself up in a cocoon of feel-goodies. Watch movies that make you feel good, find new music, try new foods.
When people ask me now how I'm doing I can only say great, amazing, awesome. Because I'm beginning to stick my head out of my shell and look ahead at an undetermined future. Undetermined is quite scary for some, but for a young, strong-willed, passion driven, unattached person, undetermined brings all the promise and excitement in the world.
After college I have no idea what will happen. Heck, I don't even know what's going to happen next week. But I do know that I'm making choices for myself, planning for one, (well two if you count a four legged hairy little guy). I don't think Kansas can keep me for much longer. I think I may need to leave for awhile while I get my life started. Inevitably, my heartstrings may draw me back to the Midwest but I am quite in love with the idea of picking up and leaving in a year and a half. I'm ready for a new adventure, a fresh start, a huge challenge.
I am a task oriented person. When I spent literally my entire day today cleaning my room I was overwhelmed with a sense of pride and accomplishment when it was finished. It was a huge motivator, however insignificant that may seem to you doesn't matter, it's a big deal to me.
We must choose to be bigger than our circumstances. We must choose to keep moving forward. We must choose to trust, with caution of course. In order to do these things we have to quit asking ourselves what "could have or should have been", where we went wrong, what things we could have changed in order to avoid dragging ourselves through the mud. We have to quite banging ourselves over the head and realize how good it feels to just, STOP.
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Our lives are truly a dance. We lead, we follow. Sometimes we know the dance by heart and sometimes the music changes to something we've never heard before. Learning the new steps takes practice, patience and a whole lot of humor. We will probably trip, stumble, we may even fall flat on our faces, but we will only have one dance forever if we don't choose to get up and take that risk. We may be dancing to music without words and we may have to define the dance for ourselves. We may come back to a familiar song that reminds us who we are, but we must remember that sometimes we'll have to dance without any music at all. We will be totally lost, maybe even alone, but we must find the rhythm within ourselves to make the silence meaningful. Our dance is not defined by whether someone else says its good or not, our dance is defined by how it feels to us.
"It's the time in between the middle of two things that means everything."
